If I Kissed You
by twouble
Summary: You’re in love with me and you hate yourself for it. But I’m going to kiss you, and you’re not going to run away, you’re going to stay here, right here, and kiss me back. Because if you don’t, so help me Remus Lupin, I won’t be responsible for my actions


**A/N:****I adore Remus/Tonks & I don't ship Remus/Sirius but this idea will not get out of my head, so, one shot, R/S, enjoy? Please?  
I love reviews, reviews are lovely.**

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"If I kissed you, what would you do?" It was an honest question, requiring nothing more than an honest answer, Sirius' face was inches from Remus'. The latter turned his head away, refusing to meet his friend's eyes.

"Run as far as I could in the opposite direction." There was laughter in his face but his eyes were true, that was exactly what Remus Lupin thought he would do if confronted with Sirius Black's lips on his own.

"Why?"

"You don't love me." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. There was no doubt in Remus' mind. Sirius didn't love him, Sirius never would.

"I've never said that."

"But you don't."

"I do love you…just…" Sirius sat on the end of Remus' bed, head in his hands. There was nothing he wanted to do less than hurt Remus.

"Just?"

"Not in the way you want me to." Remus nodded. He didn't say anything, just nodded. It was the answer he was expecting, after all. Sirius loved him with all his heart, Sirius loved him the best way he knew how. But it was a brotherly love, and it would never be anything else. Remus had always known that, even when he was thirteen and didn't understand the way _he_ loved Sirius.

"Then don't kiss me."

"I want to."

"Well, _don't._" He longed for the feel of Sirius' lips on his own but knew he couldn't handle having them there, even for a second, knowing that they would never truly be his. Sirius was his best friend. Not his lover, never his lover. There had been moments, of course there had, how could there not have been? Sirius had none of the prejudices that many other people had, having shunned everything his parents had tried to force down his throat about those less than him, he was now more than certain that everyone was equal. They had kissed before, but it had never been more than that.

Sirius hadn't understood the true nature of Remus' feelings, not back then, when they were schoolboys. He was young, there were so many people, not enough time, and there were very few girls that Sirius hadn't kissed. As far as Remus knew, however, he was the only boy Sirius had kissed, would he be about to become the only man?

His mind flitted back to the day they had shared that first kiss. He had been sat by the fireside in Gryffindor tower. Peter was in the hospital wing, a backfiring filibuster firework having got the better of him. James was, unsurprisingly, in detention. Sirius had walked in and sprawled himself across the chair opposite him. He looked so handsome, Remus' throat had gone dry, and it was a few seconds before he responded to Sirius' hello. The darker boy was touching his lips, laughing.

"McGonagall just caught me snogging Sarah Marchant. Had to run all the way here before Sarah's brother could hex me."

"Sarah? Weren't you kissing Charlotte this morning?" Remus remembered thinking he had hidden his jealousy well.

"Well, yes, but there's a lot of girls in this school and I've only got two years left to kiss as many as I can." Remus laughed and looked at Sirius, an air of seriousness about him. The other boy sat up, looking at him bemusedly. "What?"

"I was just thinking."

"You do that too often."

"You never take anything seriously enough."

"You take everything too seriously." Remus had had no response to that and Sirius smiled. "What were you thinking then, Mr Big Brain?"

"I was just wondering, what it's like."

"What what's like?"

"To be kissed by the great Sirius Black." It was said matter-of-factly, as though Remus was considering what the girls did when they were finished kissing Sirius, rather than hoping he might one day get to find out first hand exactly what it was like to have those beautiful lips on his own.

"I can show you, if you like."

"Wh…what?"

"C'mere." Remus' heart had stopped, he was sure of it, this wasn't really happening, Sirius wasn't about to kiss him. And yet, it seemed like it was. When Remus hadn't moved Sirius had, sitting beside Remus he had kissed him. Just like that, no words, no nothing. And Remus had decided that if his heart had indeed stopped beating, and if this was heaven, he was very glad indeed.

He snapped out of the memory when Sirius started rubbing his shoulder. He shrugged him off quickly and crossed the room, leaning against the wall. "Don't, Padfoot…don't."

"Why not? I thought you liked it."

"I do, but I shouldn't. And you shouldn't encourage me to."

"You zoned out then."

"I was just thinking."

"You do that too often." Remus laughed, the memory of the last time those words had been spoken by this man before him swimming in front of him. He had been sixteen, and Sirius fifteen, it was their fifth year and exactly a month between their birthdays, it was just another kiss to Sirius, he had kissed so many girls, but it was Remus' first kiss. He touched his lips softly. "What were you thinking?"

"I was…remembering. Our first kiss, actually."

"I never did forgive James for that game of truth or dare." Remus was visibly hurt and lifted an upturned chair, placing it the right way up he sat down.

"That wasn't our first kiss."

"Oh." Sirius at least had the decency to look guilty, but Remus knew it didn't matter. It wasn't like he had expected Sirius to remember it, it hadn't meant to him what it had to Remus. Sirius hadn't spent weeks dreaming about it, hoping it would happen again. He rose to his feet and stared out the window as the memory returned to him. Sirius had laughed when they broke apart, told him he wouldn't be a bad kisser if he worked at it a bit and offered to find him a girl to practice on. Remus hadn't told Sirius he wanted to practice on him. He'd said nothing and just returned to his book. He'd told no one, although he suspected Sirius had told James, because he had received unusual looks for a few days, and James seemed to always want to sit between the two of them.

James, he suspected, had worked out that Remus was in love with Sirius a long time ago, long before Sirius had. Or rather, he suspected, he had had it spelled out to him by Lily, who was the only person, besides Sirius himself, Remus had ever had a conversation about his feelings about the situation with. She had been diplomatic when she told him it was unlikely to ever happen, but she had promised him he would find someone, told him anyone, male or female, would be lucky to have him. She had hugged him, pecked his lips, and asked him if he would like to come for tea. And that was that, it was never mentioned again, she would smile supportively whenever she caught him staring at Sirius. She would rub his arms and give him seemingly impromptu hugs whenever Sirius introduced them to his latest girlfriend, and Sirius remained oblivious.

He had worked it out eventually, when questioning why Remus had never introduced them to a girlfriend, and had hurriedly left the room. James had clapped Remus on the back and gone after Sirius, who had returned a while later, hugged Remus brotherly and told him he'd always be around. It had meant a lot at the time, but its meaning had dwindled over the years, and Remus had suppressed his feelings. Until now, until today. Molly had been round to see them and had began cleaning almost immediately after arriving, insisting the house needed a woman's touched. She questioned why neither of them were pursuing relationships, Sirius had made a wry joke about being a convicted murderer, but Remus had made his excuses and left the room.

And here they were, some four hours later. Sirius had walked into Remus' room unannounced and unsure what to say. They had sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity, before Sirius had asked Remus about kissing him.

"Let me kiss you."

"No. I don't want you anymore. I don't even want to have this conversation."

"Then why are you still here? You could have left at any time, but you're still standing there, you want me to push this, you _want_ me to kiss you."

"This is my room."

"So it is." He picked up a picture that stood on the bedside table, it was of the two of them on the last day at Hogwarts. James had taken it, Sirius was shirtless and had been trying to persuade Remus to join him and James for a swim in the lake, he had stopped for the picture to be taken, he had both his arms on Remus' back, his head popping up over his shoulder, they were both grinning. It had been taken on Lily's muggle camera, and as a result the picture, unlike every other in the room, wasn't moving. It was just a moment captured forever, and it was Remus' favourite picture. "You never did come in the water."

"I was watching you. Lily was watching James. We enjoyed ourselves." Sirius said nothing. He had tried to love Remus the way he wanted him to, but it just wasn't going to happen and he knew he couldn't force it. Nothing he said or did was going to make Remus feel better after all Sirius had put him through, years of neglect, throwing him a kiss when he felt it appropriate, making promises only to break them because he couldn't love Remus, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't make himself fall in love. "I never could keep my eyes off you, it's a wonder you never noticed."

"I noticed, I just ignored it. I didn't think you'd ever…"

"Even James had worked it out."

"Lily told James." Remus nodded. He wasn't angry because he had never asked Lily to keep it a secret, and James would have found out eventually, if they hadn't died, if Sirius hadn't hunted down Peter, if they hadn't spent twelve years apart, if that time hadn't been lost Remus was sure that he could never have suppressed his feelings for so long.

But they were apart, each of the marauders; one dead, one hiding, one in prison, and then Remus, Remus alone, Remus fighting his feelings, because he could have visited Sirius, even Azkaban allowed visitors in some circumstances, he could have tried to but he never did, he hadn't wanted to face the truth, he had hated himself for loving Sirius, he didn't want to see him, didn't want to face the fact that he was a murderer.

Finding out he had been innocent all along was one the greatest feelings Remus had ever experienced, second only to the feel of those lips. What he would have done for their touch, for so long, and now Sirius was before, now Sirius was asking to kiss him. But a fleeting moment wasn't worth it. He felt Sirius' hand on his back, he allowed himself to be pulled into the hug but he turned his head away from the kiss. "We can't."

"We can."

"You don't want it."

"I do."

"You don't love me."

"I want to kiss you."

"I won't let you." He hugged Sirius back despite himself but he wouldn't give in, he wouldn't succumb to those lips, that mouth, that tongue, that boy, that _man_. He didn't dare hope that Sirius would want more than just a kiss, they would never have a relationship that stretched beyond friendship, he knew that and he understood it. Now. It hurt like hell, and as a teenager, wanting Sirius, oblivious Sirius, who kissed the girls, but never made them cry, had nearly driven him mad. But he learned to ignore the stab of pain every time he saw him with someone else, he learned to shut it to the back of his mind. He'd long ago realised that Sirius was never going to get out of his head, he'd long ago resigned himself to the fact that Sirius was probably meant to be there.

But he was there, always there, and he was amazing, he never knew, never understood, but he was always there, and Remus loved him, for no reason other than he was himself. He often wished he'd fallen for James, or Peter even, because Sirius was the worst one to love, he was so comfortable with his sexuality that if it would make Remus smile to be kissed, he'd kiss him, it didn't matter that Remus was a boy, that Remus was his best friend, Sirius would kiss him, because Sirius was comfortable doing so.

"We might not survive this war." Sirius' voice brought him out of his thoughts, yet again.

"We survived the last one."

"In a way."

"Harry's generation are the young ones now."

"Are we so old?" The idea that Sirius would ever be old was laughable, he would never grow up and Remus was sure of it, as sure as he'd been when he was eleven, Sirius was a child for life, that was part of his charm, part of the reason Remus loved him.

"Not old, but not young either."

"What if we don't survive?"

"Then we'll die, I suppose." He pulled back from the hug, he had barely realised they were still locked together. He leaned against the wall, his eyes tracing the features of Sirius' handsome face.

"Would you miss me?"

"Every day." There was an honesty in Remus' voice reminiscent of a child, he hadn't even entertained the thought of lying, pretending, had just answered in a heartbeat with the truest thing he could say.

"I miss James every day, and I wasn't even in love with him."

"You're not in love with me either."

"You're in love with me, though."

"You're still an arrogant berk, you know?"

"I know. And you're in love with me."

"I'm not." But even as he spoke the words he knew Sirius wouldn't believe him, he had never been brilliant at hiding his feelings, especially where Sirius was concerned. The object of his affections gripped his arm lightly.

"You're in love with me and you hate yourself for it. But I'm going to kiss you, and you're not going to run away, you're going to stay here, right here, and kiss me back. Because if you don't, so help me Remus Lupin, I won't be responsible for my actions." Remus paused before he spoke, unsure what to say, knowing if he didn't speak he'd have Sirius' lips on his and he would be powerless to resist, the more he thought about it the more he wanted to feel his kiss again, to lose himself in the love of his life. He looked at Sirius, his eyes laughing again.

"No wonder no one understands what I see in you."

"They don't?"

"They don't."

"Do you?"

"Not at all." When Sirius didn't reply Remus knew what was coming, he knew the kiss could come and he had no intention of fighting it off. If Sirius' lips met his he'd respond with the proper passion, he would push him across the room until they were sat quite comfortably on his four poster bed and he would kiss him until their lips had gone numb. And then he would let Sirius leave, as soon as he wanted, and await the next time he let his heart get the better of him.

The kiss felt better than he had imagined it would, and they lay on the bed long after they had broke apart, occasionally pecking each other's lips. Sirius lay his head across Remus' stomach and looked up at him. "Moony?"

"Mm?"

"I'm sorry." But what he was sorry for Remus never found out, after one last deep kiss Sirius stood and left the room. When Remus joined him downstairs a while later nothing was said about the kiss, or about the conversation, they carried on as friends, best friends. But Remus Lupin would always love Sirius Black. Always.

**A/N: That's quite a bit longer than I intended. Umm, oops**


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